Dude…why are you watching stuffed animals orgasm with binoculars???

Also, those are some impressive binoculars! Where’d you get those?

So THIS is why cats don’t like you petting their belly! They don’t want you unlatching their belly hooks…

So YOU’RE the guy trump was ranting about! How’s Ohio?

See the thing is…you have to microblog like a crazed hobo yelling things into the void. It doesn’t need to make sense. It’s better if it DOESN’T make sense.

Kick

Punch

It’s all in the mind

If ya wanna test me, I’m sure you’ll find…

The things I teach ya, are SURE to beat ya!

Never the less, you get a lession from teacher! Now…

KICK!

He takes the worst parts of religion and distorts them to suit his purposes

I mean, that’s not a trump thing. That’s a republican thing.

I know who the 10th dentist is!!!

My mom would put on some thick clothes, and then put on a set of overalls, and flannel shirt that were 10 sizes too big OVER her clothes. And in between the two she’d stuff the overalls and flannel shirt with hay. Then she’d wear this burlap facemask over her head to look even more like a scarecrow.

Then she’d sit on the porch, with the bowl of candy on table next to her. They would have to walk past my mom to get to the bowl. She would sit perfectly still.

My sisters would tell trick or treaters to just take 1 candy from the bowl, or bad things would happen.

If a kid took just 1 candy? Nothing happened. If a kid got greedy? She’d jump out of her chair, grab the kid, and lift him up by the wrists while going BLLLAAAHHHRRGGHGHGHGH!!! WHY’D YOU TAKE MORE CANDY???

SOOOOOOOOOOO many kids would cry. A few peed themselves. Lots of parents even screamed, which I’m sure added to the horror to the kids that even THEIR mom was screaming afraid.

But I bet they never took more than 1 candy.

This is one of the reasons I don’t like dogs who lick people. I’m fine with your dog until he starts trying to lick me.

I also don’t like when your laying down, and the cat walks on your chest, just to block your view of the tv, and sticks it’s butthole in your face. You’re all like “eeewwww, no cat butt!!!” But the cat is like “meow!”. You have to tell them “Look, we’ve been over this. I don’t speak meow. You need to learn more words. Like if I pull a can of f-o-o-d out, you go nuts. And I have to spell that word, because I’m not trying to excite you, and then disappoint you. Because I’m NOT an asshole, and am being empathetic to YOUR feelings. Unlike you.”

And she says “Meow”.

And I say “I still don’t get the nuances of meow language. It can’t be one word that means everything. This isn’t Hawaii.”

And she says “Meow.”

It’s a losing battle trying to teach cats to speak english when they lack vocal cords. But maybe it’s a good thing they can’t speak. They could be like carrots. Always screaming how much pain they’re in, and how they have a baby carrot at home. All just because I’m trying to make a salad.

Now…cucumbers? They scare me. They’re practically giddy to be chopped up. Real masochists.

But at least they’re not smug, like George Clooney. The smug bastard!

Her, Fred Rodgers, and…yeah, that’s a short list. I’d add my grandmother there too, but nobody would know who I’m talking about.

It’s probably just Chris Jericho again doing Chris Jericho things.

I don’t think people are ever going to be nostolgic for the pandemic, just like I don’t think they’ll ever be nostolgic for the aids outbreaks of the 1980s.

Everytime I think I’m a little “out there”, I remember THIS dork exists, which frees up my mind to do other things.

Like put on a mushroomhead XX logo painted jason mask, a diana ross wig, and flannel shirt so I could go to a Fiona Apple concert, mostly against my will, get up to the front of the stage and start waving my hand enthusiastically and yell “HI HIPPIE LADY!!! HELLO!!! HELLO HIPPIE LADY!!! HIIIIIII!!!” as her bassist had to walk off stage from laughing too much, Fiona Apple looking annoyed, and 2000 people all glaring daggers at me. Luckily the crowd was 100% females besides me. So no violence towards my antics actually took place.

Times are crazy. Especially when I remember that story is like 20 years old.

“If you pass these bills, and reject womens care, women will DIE!!!”

“Pssshhhh no they won’t! Quit being stupid!”

women die

shocked pikachu faces

But hey, at least we changed a few sports team names. So that’s something, right?

Looks like these robots are in need of disguise

Please tell me she’s using grant money to conduct these science exparements!

God dammit…I gave you a good faith upvote, and then clicked the video for what I assumed would be an amazing horse swimming video.

…dammit Rick Astley! Stop dressing up like a unicorn!

That tracks.

Really? You never used kung-fu to disarm swat teams, killing dozens with their own guns, while never taking damage yourself? You never sped through your local streets as tanks shot mortors at your toyota geo?

You’re telling me your wife never saved you with rockets fired from a helicopter in a high speed highway chase?

Yeah…you didn’t read a single sentence of the comment you replied to, did you? Aw hell. What makes me think you’ll read THIS far into the message??? Tiktok is just what this generation has been needing. An entire generation of kids who don’t waste their time reading!