Your self hate fuels action
My inaction fuels self hate
We are not the same
My exercise game only hit overdrive once I embraced my own toxicity: self-hatred, competition, narcissism.
Over exercise (> 2000 kcal), under-eat (< 1000 kcal), 6-7 days a week for several years. It was an effort to even smile by the end of it.
I crashed out at one point and decided to exercise only out of love. I hate running, despite how good I was at it, but I did love cycling, and so I just cycled and found a nice balance, but never fully hit those performance peaks that I did when self-hatred was the motivator.
You watch star wars and laugh at how childish Anakin is when he embraces the dark side, but I genuinely got it; it’s an incredible intoxicating motivator to think you deserve the pain and to then inflict it back on your body double-fold. If your hands and feet aren’t bleeding, then you’re not doing it right.
'Course, getting a remote job changed all that and now I’m an indoor cat with too many tech hobbies and zero sport ones. It’s amazing who you are in your 20s compared to who you are in your 30s. Literal night and day
Uhh, my self hate only pushes the boulder back down the hill. I don’t get it.
Work smart not hard. The mountain is just a big ol’ boulder anyways, mission accomplished.
I think self hate should be whipping motivation to do it. Self hate drives the motivation. I don’t think it replaces it.
Maybe as a demon, posessing the motivation, because I’d say self-hate would be part of the motivation.
My boulder is being pushed by directionless rage, but the results are similar
So how to let go of self hate?
don’t believe any of that “love yourself” crap.
first step, accept yourself as you are. flaws and all. understand that you are a product of your environment.
after that, be kind to yourself. stop putting yourself down and give yourself some distance.
finally, change your ways. when you have accepted your flaws and stopped punishing yourself for them, you can put that energy into fixing them constructively.
after the 10th or so time, you’ll be doing it automatically and won’t even need to think about it.
this is why philosophy should be taught in schools. you would have learned how to look at yourself introspectively and deal with the emotional trauma you pick up along your journey.
good luck.
Push on the other side of the boulder?
