Recently had a conversation with a good friend about dating, and it had me curious about how everyone on Beehaw approaches dating. Tell me a bit about how you date! Here’s a few prompts/thoughts I’m curious about:
- How long does it take for you to know if you’re attracted to someone (sexually, romantically, emotionally, shared interests, etc)?
- What do you like to do when you date and does it change depending on how many dates you’ve been on or how well you know the person?
- Once you start dating someone, how long does it take you to understand whether you want to date the person long term or whether it’s not going to work out?
- Do you only date people you meet in real life or do you use dating apps? How do you approach going from stranger to dating them?
- What’s most important in deciding whether you want to date someone? Do they need to have an interest in activities you enjoy, shared values, emotional intelligence, a certain kind of humor, or something else?
- Is there something you don’t understand about dating and want to share your frustration?
It feels a little weird commenting since I’ve been in a committed monogamous relationship for twelve years and am “out of the game” as it were. That said, maybe that’s where some folks hope to be and I can be helpful in some capacity.
Physical attraction is fairly instantaneous. Some people are just gorgeous. The rest happen rather asynchronously and asymmetrically if they happen. Shared interests have tended to coincide with emotional attractions, but more often than not have been friendships with common passions. Romantic attraction relies on all the rest, plus intellectual engagement.
My own tastes have changed over the years, so the activities I would and do take people on have changed as well. Experiences with occasional pauses are better dates if it’s not just sitting somewhere and enjoying the company, in my opinion. Concerts, plays, walking around an unfamiliar town until you get hungry and backtrack to that cute place fifteen minutes ago, all good options. The first date with my wife was at a bookstore/coffee house (yes I’m old) where we grabbed a book about having successful first dates and answered questions in the book honestly or to crack jokes at our discretion. We still go out to art/dance parties with glow toys even though we’re sometimes among the oldest there. The important thing is to have fun doing something with someone. Redundant emphasis on the “with someone” - fun times are great and all but it’s having that/those particular person(s) there that makes it special.
Sometimes it’s not very long. The relationship with the person who sent arrival texts saying “I’m hear” did not last long, at all. Other relationships lasted far longer than they possibly ought have, until it was glaringly obvious that we weren’t helping each other anymore. Personally, I have found a second and potentially third argument to be illuminating when the chemistry and interests are there - with a first argument there are so many built in expectations on either side that have never been paired that it may end the whole thing on its own.
If the attachments are strong enough to have a second argument, has each person adapted to the other(s)? Is it an airing of grievances between equals in the hopes of a resolution, or is it an aggrieved power struggle? Have those involved grown enough as a team to build towards something rather than tearing it down? I’ve said plenty of things I regret later, more than I’d like, and there came a point where I lost interest in the adrenaline of those moments and found myself prioritizing the ability to have productive disagreements instead of fights. It took a while to find someone who was able to have those with me, and it’s been worth it.
Every relationship with another person is real, whether it’s online or AFK. I prefer the in-person variety. The relationship with my wife started on a dating app, but only after I had had zero successes and said “eff it, this is for me to have fun with”. We spent time only messaging through the app, then to personal emails and in person.
Have a good time with someone -> starship troopers meme. Find out something they like and wish more people liked, then do that with them. Next time, share your something with them. Find things neither of you have done but want to, and do them. If you’re having fun with each other, keep doing that. Have a good time together until you don’t, and discover together whether it’s something that will pass.
For me it’s been all of these, with the addition of dreams/goals/aspirations - I want to be with someone I believe in, someone I can get behind and encourage to be the best them they can be, and I want to be the sort of person towards whom those intentions are reciprocated. Granted, that bit can take some time to uncover, but it’s an important piece.