The problem is the other people in their 30s are boring, miserable, and second-guessing their life choices constantly. Even if they made the effort to be friends, I couldn’t stand them. The only people that don’t do that are my friends…my old friends…in my old city…far, far away… Oh, god I’m miserable and second guessing moving here.
My 30s were so so so much better than my 20s, it wasn’t even funny. I partied practically non-stop from the point my 1st marriage ended in my early 30s, to when my 2nd one began at 41. I made tons of new friends, dated around a lot and had the best time of my life.
Now that I have 2 kids, a stressful job and my money evaporates the moment it hits my bank account, I also have lost all my friends. The only ones I have now are other adults with kids around the same age as my kids, because that’s pretty much the only time you get to socialize with other adults.
The secret is: hang out with people younger than yourself and/or get involved in a scene. I’m a musician so I just went to shows or met people at mine. It doesn’t have to be that though, I also joined a volleyball team and while I stunk up the joint, I also got to meet a bunch of cool people. Really most friendships are based on proximity and common interest, so if you’re into movies, go to movie festivals or special showings. Go to meetups, get involved in a political campaign (if you’re political).
That’s my experience and advice too. I just naturally find friends that are on average 15 years younger than me. I’m early 50s and most friends are mid-30s. Working at a university for years sort of established that pattern and it has remained even though i went corporate.
I mean, have you met US Americans in their 50s? For me it’s the lack of imagination they tend to exhibit. I’m a perpetual child myself, no kids, no plans or desire for any. Younger friends have interests and dreams, still. I do too!
I find the quiet desperation that oozes from people in my age cohort to be off putting. If you are desperate, stop being quiet about it!
Having younger friends keeps me optimistic because younger generations seem to have looked behind the curtain and have partially deconstructed the illusions we are ruled by. Maybe there’s hope?
There’s a Rancid lyric that stuck with me:
“Some grow up, and some grow old”
I grew old.
Get friends younger/older than you then.
Which cities did you move from and to?
I have 1 friend who I am capable of seeing irl on a regular basis, the rest dozen of them are all from back in the day and are literally scattered around the world.
It’s not impossible, that’s exactly how I was summoned
Meeh, not really impossible, but damn hard, that’s for sure.
I’m here, aren’t I?
Lol, it was by mistake, I posted the same, but as a reply to the post.
I’ve recently found that it is way easier in your thirties to make friends with 70 year olds. They have time to meet whenever you are available, have great perspective and in my case, share more if my interests than people my age.
Try gardening groups, dancing lessons, bridge groups, local language classes, and you’ll find tons of friends!
This is basically the plot of Breaking Bad.
Walter was in his 40s at the beginning of the series.Walter was almost in his 40s at the beginning of the series.
Went back and checked: Walter was 50 at the start of the series. The series spanned two years of in-universe time, and he died at 52.
Anyway, the point stands. Cooking meth is a valid shared interest for an older man and a younger man to bond over.
Actually, you’re right, but it couldn’t be closer. The show starts at 5:02AM on his fiftieth birthday.
Damn, a lot of shit happened in only two years
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I’m in my late 30s, and I have found that making friends is different, but not necessarily harder. If you’re still thinking back to high school/college days where you had “the boys” or “the girls,” that’s just not realistic. People have jobs, hopefully careers, spouses, kids. If your primary focus is on exclusive friend time in your 30s, that is very difficult to find. Most people have more than just friends going on in their lives–unlike in high school and college, where people typically had friends going on and lives that wrapped around it.
I’m fairly affable and outgoing, which helps, but I enjoy making friends with people that aren’t. It’s easier, and the best friends I’ve made over the last few years are people that aren’t very outgoing, but they like being around and hanging out with an outgoing person. But that does mean that I’m usually the one to strike up conversation, ask for a number, drag them out when I’ve got free time, etc. To be honest, many of these friends don’t necessarily make it easy to socialize with them, because it takes them out of their comfort zone. I’m aware of that, so I don’t mind the extra prodding and encouragement that it takes, but I think if you’re more like that, the best thing you can do is just try to decrease the amount of drag you add to trying to be friends (even though you might be unaware that you’re adding that “drag”). Often people will just be like “ok. They don’t want to hang,” and they’ll move on. I just grew up with friends that were always kind of like that, so I just know they tend to need a little more love and encouragement.
Beyond that, just prioritize friendship maintenance. Text people periodically, see how they’re doing, etc. Friends are like plants: when they’re new, they require a lot of watering and maintenance, once they’re established, they require less. But you can’t expect a new plant to take well to the treatment of an established plant with deep roots. You’ve gotta nurture it.
I’m often worried that I’m coming across too needy or bothersome whenever I’m reaching out, especially since people have much more going on in their lives than just friendships. Yeah it’s difficult as adults ☹️
Well, when you reach out, are you in need of something? Sometimes it’s just and being like, “what up, fool,” or sending a meme that reminds of them or whatever. If you’re only ever reaching out because ultimately you want attention, time, etc, maybe that comes off as needy (though I think that’s ok too!), but sometimes reaching out is just, like, “hey, thought of you, I don’t need anything!”
Me too!
Learned this lesson as well as I’m approaching 30. Friendship just won’t automatically happen anymore. It requires your effort and also your friends effort. If you don’t maintain it, it will eventually die down because people are busy and move on with their life.
It will automatically happen if you have shared social space. However that shared social space isn’t automatic like it was when we were kids in school. In school we had a little community and we were there every day. In adult life all we automatically have like that is the workplace. (And of course people are pushing for more and more remote because who needs mental health)
So yeah. The most valuable effort isn’t so much to reach out and try to spark friendship, but to get off your butt and go to that weekly game night.
I will say that when I joined a league soccer team I had instant friends. Sports are amazing for that.
I’m just happy to have someone to meet online once every few weeks and play a game with, maybe to the pub once every two or three months for a pint or two.
You sound lovely. 😊
Aww…thanks! 😁
It isn’t too hard if you’re willing to fail a lot first. It takes time, but I really turned my life around eventually. Even still I feel like an imposter, but an imposter with plenty friends anyway now
Donno sounds like a lot of work, I’d rather just be lonely
Exactly, I’m lazy and most humans suck
I mean I don’t WANT to be lonely, but it’s much easier, eh?
Sooner or later either they stop responding to my summoning or I stop summoning them thinking I’m bothering them too much …
I feel this as well. If I don’t initiate anything, the friendship will die down since everyone else is “silent” and busy with their life. If I ask too much, I fear that I’m needy and might bother others.
For real. And then there is also the classic ‘their lives are probably a bit better without my crappy presence in it, so it’s only moral to leave them alone’.
This is one reason why my men’s group is so great. The leader is a good cheerleader, like a mom. I express something like this and he’s like “I like you. I get value from knowing you. Where do you think this idea came from that you’re a burden?” and then we dig into it and it actually works. I’ve had so many mind blowing shifts in how my mind feels to be in, and how that changes my thoughts. I feel way less like an intrusion than I did before.
^read
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Yeah or some type of meetup group. Or even something political if that’s your thing.
Volunteering also works
Add getting disabled at 34 to the equation.
People just don’t like you when you have MS.
Fuck that, I like you.
I like you!
MS ?
“Multiple sclerosis (MS) is the most common demyelinating disease,[8] in which the insulating covers of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord are damaged.[3] This damage disrupts the ability of parts of the nervous system to transmit signals, resulting in a range of signs and symptoms, including physical, mental, and sometimes psychiatric problems.” https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_sclerosis
Multiple Sclerosis
Early 30s here. Will any chalk do for the invocation?
Typically needs to be magically-infused calcite chalk for that traditional feeling that your new demon friend will appreciate and respect you for. If you can’t infuse the chalk yourself, store bought is fine but you might end up with unexpected results based on the source.
Death metal doesn’t help…but it’s still awesome.
I go for dulcimer stuff myself
If you want to meet people and make friends, you have to join a group first. It’s awful. It’s stressful. But you have to join a group of some kind. That’s where IRL people are.
I mean, it’s how I made friends when I was a child. I suppose the time crunch is what makes it seem impossible.
Hello, it’s me, your fellow group mate
The trick is to have kids and then get them to be friends with the kids who have parents that look cool to you.
The other day I realized the only way I’ll ever get to play in a band is if I force my children to learn and be my band mates 🤣
I’ll be in your band, friend.
This is the way
If making friends in our teens and 20s was so easy then we wouldn’t need to make more friends in our 30s.
Making friends isn’t the hard part. Maintaining the friendship is. It’s a lot of effort and often involves doing more work than the other party, especially if they have a busier life. But it also involves a lot of failures, as plenty of them just aren’t meant to be. I look more at the effort others put back into the relationship than how much I like them, as the former is a much better indicator of the potentials.
I beg to differ. Especially when you have career growth and it becomes inappropriate to be friends with most of your peers. Add in the lack of kids (common in the 30’s) it’shard to find common ground. At least my wife and dog are my best friends…
I see. Fortunately, friendship at the jobs I’ve had never proved to be an issue. I guess because my work is highly collaborative, this is often a natural outcome.
I’m thankful for having the luxury to choose my workplaces and I would never pick a place that expects me to leave my life at the door. Of course though, I respect my colleagues who wish to do so but I have found that very few of them wish for a strictly professional relationship.
This. Your peers in their 30s are generally easy to talk to and you can become friends in some terms quite easily but then finding time to just hang out or go somewhere seems to be so very hard. It helps me a lot to have some regular hobbies to have at least something going on socially.
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I’m not far off my 40s but I make friends wherever I go. I just have some popular hobbies. I like to smoke weed and play guitar. Lots of my kind of people like doing that.
I’ve recently started a new job and have made loads of friends because I’m a guitarist and a pothead.
I love to smoke weed but I hate the people that smoke weed lol.
The trick is finding the people who smoke and don’t make it obvious.
I’m in my early 40s and joined a women’s only gym and have made lots of new acquaintances, one actual new friend, and a couple more in the works.
The advice to join a club or get involved in a group hobby has never really worked for me before, but I guess it’s not completely impossible.
The key thing in forming friendships is to encounter the person by accident. Making plans each time kills the bonding magic; you have to bump into them.
This is why regular presence in a social space is key. You need to have people you encounter without having specifically planned to see them.
I don’t know why this is, but it’s true.
