Over the past few months, I’ve spoken with psychologists, political scientists, sociologists, and technologists about America’s anti-social streak. Although the particulars of these conversations differed, a theme emerged: The individual preference for solitude, scaled up across society and exercised repeatedly over time, is rewiring America’s civic and psychic identity. And the consequences are far-reaching—for our happiness, our communities, our politics, and even our understanding of reality.

I’ve become more and more isolated as I’ve gotten older. I’m in my early 40s now and I sometimes go several days in a row without interacting face-to-face with anyone other than my wife. I text with my brother pretty much every day, but he lives 1,000 miles away.

I have plenty of opportunities to be around more people, but I rarely want to. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t like to interact with people more, it’s that I don’t want to interact with just anyone. I want to spend time with people I want to spend time with, there just aren’t very many of those people around me, and if my only options are: spend time with people I don’t enjoy spending time with or be by myself, I’ll choose to be by myself. If there were a third option, to spend time with people I like spending time with, I would take it because that would be my preferred option.