I was just making a joke, but you’re right- it’s a learned coping mechanism from iteration after iteration of excruciating relationships.
I find most people are deeply selfish and lacking in awareness, and generally unobservant to the physical and metaphorical world around us. Eventually, it’s simply easier to withdraw and try to be content with online human interaction, and real life experiences with my family and my dog. Community comes with too many strings and demands that I present as someone not myself- at least in all such attempts to-date. When I was younger and it felt more necessary to participate, I dulled society with booze and weed. Now I prefer to see clearly, though perhaps still missing the clarity that others innately possess, in social scenarios.
So sort of my point is that community only feels like work when you’re in the wrong community. An ant doesn’t wake up and so “shit I need to act like an ant today”. It just does ant stuff.
When you’re in the right crowd, it won’t feel like work.
Step 1 is figuring out who you are. A lot of people don’t even begin to get there until they’re 30yo or more–our world simply does not foster being yourself. Many others learn either much later or sadly sometimes never. Psychologically speaking, “target fixation” is a functional concept. Simply wanting something will attract you to it. Spending a lot of time dreaming of something will draw you to it. Be careful though, the same effect can happen with being jaded as well. You can of course spend your time thinking about who you are or that other people suck. I recommend the former, of course.
Step 2 is actually wild. Once you get closer and closer to being authentic and let go of the resentment, people will attract to you. Humans have an uncanny ability to sniff out fakeness, and they will avoid or ostracize you for it. When you’re in tune with yourself, it’s actually super attractive. A good example of weird being charismatic is Jack Black or Aubrey Plaza. They are not afraid to be different and people love them for it. But different isn’t the magic sauce, it’s being real.
Step 3 is now that you know who you are and people are coming to you, is to remember your boundaries. Maybe you don’t like going to the mall. So say no. You may get anxiety doing this in the beginning but it gets easier. If your friends only to be friends because you would give them a ride to the mall, they’re not your real friends. This is a nice tool to keep being certain that the people around you like you for you, not for your utility (maybe you give transportation, they emotional dump on you, maybe you always buy, etc).
Hope this helps. I’m no professional but I will do my best. I love this shit so much–it changed my life and if it can help even one person I’m all about it. I wish someone told me 20 years before I knew!
P.s. I replied to the other person that replied with a comment you may find useful as well.
Thanks for the kind words, I’m trying my best! Remember just saying something kind about something you like is also a rare art, and I hope you keep that up!
BTW, you can “follow” people on lemmy by shooting a message (even if it’s just says “Follow” in the message) and then just visit your sent messages and look for the ones that say “Follow” and click the user you sent them to. Not perfect but it’s something.
I was just making a joke, but you’re right- it’s a learned coping mechanism from iteration after iteration of excruciating relationships.
I find most people are deeply selfish and lacking in awareness, and generally unobservant to the physical and metaphorical world around us. Eventually, it’s simply easier to withdraw and try to be content with online human interaction, and real life experiences with my family and my dog. Community comes with too many strings and demands that I present as someone not myself- at least in all such attempts to-date. When I was younger and it felt more necessary to participate, I dulled society with booze and weed. Now I prefer to see clearly, though perhaps still missing the clarity that others innately possess, in social scenarios.
So sort of my point is that community only feels like work when you’re in the wrong community. An ant doesn’t wake up and so “shit I need to act like an ant today”. It just does ant stuff.
When you’re in the right crowd, it won’t feel like work.
Step 1 is figuring out who you are. A lot of people don’t even begin to get there until they’re 30yo or more–our world simply does not foster being yourself. Many others learn either much later or sadly sometimes never. Psychologically speaking, “target fixation” is a functional concept. Simply wanting something will attract you to it. Spending a lot of time dreaming of something will draw you to it. Be careful though, the same effect can happen with being jaded as well. You can of course spend your time thinking about who you are or that other people suck. I recommend the former, of course.
Step 2 is actually wild. Once you get closer and closer to being authentic and let go of the resentment, people will attract to you. Humans have an uncanny ability to sniff out fakeness, and they will avoid or ostracize you for it. When you’re in tune with yourself, it’s actually super attractive. A good example of weird being charismatic is Jack Black or Aubrey Plaza. They are not afraid to be different and people love them for it. But different isn’t the magic sauce, it’s being real.
Step 3 is now that you know who you are and people are coming to you, is to remember your boundaries. Maybe you don’t like going to the mall. So say no. You may get anxiety doing this in the beginning but it gets easier. If your friends only to be friends because you would give them a ride to the mall, they’re not your real friends. This is a nice tool to keep being certain that the people around you like you for you, not for your utility (maybe you give transportation, they emotional dump on you, maybe you always buy, etc).
Hope this helps. I’m no professional but I will do my best. I love this shit so much–it changed my life and if it can help even one person I’m all about it. I wish someone told me 20 years before I knew!
P.s. I replied to the other person that replied with a comment you may find useful as well.
You seem like a good person and I wish Lemmy had a way to follow people. Need more positivity in the feed. Keep it up, friend.
Thanks for the kind words, I’m trying my best! Remember just saying something kind about something you like is also a rare art, and I hope you keep that up!
BTW, you can “follow” people on lemmy by shooting a message (even if it’s just says “Follow” in the message) and then just visit your sent messages and look for the ones that say “Follow” and click the user you sent them to. Not perfect but it’s something.
If not, I’m sure I’ll see you around. Cheers!